What I want to be (when I grow up)

Strange for the world and strange for my physical mind to accept too, that at 52 I still don't know "what I want to be when I grow up". What a question!

When do we "grow up"? People ask me, "what do you do?" and I still have a problem answering that question. Every time a specific description/name is brought to the table, I want to wipe it off because it disturbs my view. Every time I have tried to characterize or define myself, I feel the weight of words and closed realities caging my being.

I don't like promotions, marketing, advertising, policing, judging, categorizations. I believe that all that we are, woks at revealing, expressing, sharing, "by itself", in mysterious (to the psychical mind), natural ways, as the seeker always finds what s/he is looking for and the sought is found.

And alas, even on the sidewalk of the collective sweeping current, I am unable to feel threatened, less, lacking, through having no specific answers, that would please the accepted boxes of society. And also, having no idea whatesoever, where I'll "lay my head" tomorrow. I know where and how my heart is and that seems to be enough to allow me to continue breathing, loving, laughing, crying, being awed, excited, willing, yet not knowing how or where I'll "survive".

Living fearlessly doesn't have any logical explanation. And you can't pretend to be fearless when you have "worked it all it out", when you have "back up", when your tomorrow is planned. But if I could do it all again, I'd probably choose all this once more, perhaps a little earlier... But then again, everything happened in such perfect synchronicity, that I wouldn't dare touch or change even a single day or moment.

So, here I am, moving boldly towards 53, having no idea what I want to be when I grow up, having no intention of controlling anything but at the same time, I find myself being worlds apart of "giving up". Quite the contrary!

There is no difference whatsoever, between my 8 year old "hyperactive" daughter and me, who greets each day with new enthusiasm, wild imagination, wide open willingness to explore all that life has to offer, having "only" her Self as guide, master and substance for BEING anything that she pleases! As a result, each day turns out to be magical, giving us a lot more than we could ever imagine, foresee or attempt to control.

Not many understand, agree with or accept the way that I have chosen to live. But the fruits, the results, the ongoing, thrilling experience of life, within ALL  that it brings, can hardly be compared, threatened or closed, in anything that is less.

Danger? Oh yes! It knocks on our door each and every day, in various forms, shapes and sizes; from lack of money and possessions, to law suits (for unschooling), criticism from "well-intended, "normal" folks, isolation from activities, services etc, etc, which belong to the system.

Living spontaneously and through the heart doesn't mean that I exist on a little pink cloud either; ignorant of what's going on around me. It means that I can see, I allow, I realize and still choose to go my own way. A fearless heart is not ignorant! It cannot be side-tracked or intimidated by all that have been proven to be delusional and provides illness, a sense of purposeless existence, manipulation and phobias.

So, WHAT do I do? I teach, I learn, I live, I fall, I get up, I cry, I fall in love, I create, I let go, I move with a light weight and an open heart. What do I want to be when I grow up? Probably the exact same thing...

A cloudy day is just as thrilling and inviting as a sunny day. The seagulls are calling out to us and life is waiting to be lived!

Xristiana Sophia